Happy ex-mo

[keithpenrod]

I grew up in the LDS church.  I'm actually an 8th-generation Mormon.  I have ancestors baptized by Heber Kimball.  Anyway, I was a totally believing die-hard Mormon until just about a year ago.  I've been hiding the fact that I'm gay from myself for pretty much my whole life.  I finally decided to accept the fact.  It's been a long road, and it was extremely difficult for me to admit that perhaps my church was wrong about something, but finally I just couldn't suspend doubt any longer--the contradictions were too glaring. 

At first, I thought that I'd just continue to be Mormon(ish) for the rest of my life, believing all of the doctrine except for the bit about homosexuality.  Then I started looking more into all of the "anti-Mormon" rumors I had heard during my time as a Mormon.  When I did, I found out that the church has a completely different version of history from what really happened.  I was shocked.

The last few months have been me coming to terms with all of my religious background.  I'm very happy now.  I have a boyfriend. I'm learning how to be skeptical and to study things.  I'm learning that humanist morals tend to be much more in line with my own feelings than the morals taught by many sects of Christianity.  It's like a whole new world for me.  I'm a born-again atheist.   

[DeterminedJuliet]

It sounds like you're on a positive track for your life and I'm sure you'll find lots of supportive people around here
Welcome!

[MadBomr101]

One of my wife's closest and oldest friends went through pretty much the same thing.  He was Mormon for years, played the part as expected, eventually married a woman and they had a child.  After about seven years of this, he finally accepted himself for who he really was, got a divorce giving her everything in the settlement, left the church, moved out of town and bgan his life anew as a gay man.  He's been happy ever since.  My wife talks to him at least once a week and they're always laughing together.  

You've made the right decision.  The faithful spend their entire lives chasing a fairytale and trying to please a being that exists only in their fevered imaginations.  There is no magic underwear, The Israelites were not the natives indigenous to America, dead people do not benefit from a saving ordinance and Joseph Smith was a perennial bulls**t artist.

Congratulations on your new gay life free from the restrictive, intolerant and superstitious bonds of religion.  You chose...wisely.  

 

[xSilverPhinx]

Welcome!

[Happy_Is_Good]

keithpenrod,

Hello!  Glad to see you here!

Keith, sometime I feel sorry for myself because I am not understood by many people I meet....until I read an account like yours which truly inspires me.

See, I am neither gay nor do I have a close family that's radically religious, but sometimes I find my atheism is an obstacle when dealing with friends, distant relatives and co-workers....and I feel "Oh, I have it so bad!"  Which is baloney...I just need to toughen up and deal with it!  I mean, no matter how bad I've had it, I've probably never had to put up with even a fraction of crap you've had to go through.  So...I find stories like this very inspiring.

You're a brave person.  Keep being brave.  You will be fine!

Thanks for sharing!

[Buddy]

Welcome to the forum Keithpenrod! 

[keithpenrod]

One of my wife's closest and oldest friends went through pretty much the same thing.  He was Mormon for years, played the part as expected, eventually married a woman and they had a child.  After about seven years of this, he finally accepted himself for who he really was, got a divorce giving her everything in the settlement, left the church, moved out of town and bgan his life anew as a gay man.  He's been happy ever since.  My wife talks to him at least once a week and they're always laughing together.  

Yeah, I did the whole married thing too.  That's a really long story for me, although it lasted half as long.  I married in 2006.  I even believed myself to be truly happy in the marriage.  I had nothing to complain about.  Other gay people who have been in heterosexual relationships say that they hated the thought of intimacy with their spouse, or had other similar issues in the marriage, but I can't say that it was that bad for me.  After 3 years of marriage, she died of cancer.  This wasn't sudden or wholly unexpected--she had been fighting her Hodgkin's disease for 7 years at that point. 

So, the dynamic with her family has certainly added complications to me coming out and getting a boyfriend and everything.  The fact that all of my family and all of hers are all Mormon doesn't make it any easier.  But, my parents and my late wife's have all been very compassionate and loving.  My in-laws still treat me like their own son.  They're grateful for how I treated their daughter while she was my wife.  And they have been good.

My mom treats my boyfriend just as she would treat any girlfriend I might have, if I were straight.  She emails him and talks to him on the phone and tries to make him feel included.  She's been very sweet.  Other people in my family haven't been as pleasant all the time, but I figure they just need time to digest everything and let the dust from the cognitive dissonance settle.  I haven't actually seen any of my family since I started dating this guy, since they live about 2,000 miles away, out in Utah.  But, I'm sure that when we do go out there to visit, my family will treat him well.  I have no reason to believe anyone would not welcome him into their home. 

I really think, though, that for many people in my family (my mom especially), the fact that I no longer believe in the church or in any deity at all is more disturbing than the fact that I'm gay.  As I was transitioning out of the church, my mom repeatedly told me that she wanted me to stay in tune with the spirit and close to god.  At times I even feel like a monster for being so vocal about my new-found skepticism, but at the same time I don't think I'm personally attacking anyone and I also don't feel like it would be honest of me to pretend to still be religious.  Maybe there's a happy medium in there somewhere.

[not your typical...]

Yeah, I did the whole married thing too.  That's a really long story for me, although it lasted half as long.  I married in 2006.  I even believed myself to be truly happy in the marriage.  I had nothing to complain about.  Other gay people who have been in heterosexual relationships say that they hated the thought of intimacy with their spouse, or had other similar issues in the marriage, but I can't say that it was that bad for me.  After 3 years of marriage, she died of cancer.  This wasn't sudden or wholly unexpected--she had been fighting her Hodgkin's disease for 7 years at that point. 

So, the dynamic with her family has certainly added complications to me coming out and getting a boyfriend and everything.  The fact that all of my family and all of hers are all Mormon doesn't make it any easier.  But, my parents and my late wife's have all been very compassionate and loving.  My in-laws still treat me like their own son.  They're grateful for how I treated their daughter while she was my wife.  And they have been good.

My mom treats my boyfriend just as she would treat any girlfriend I might have, if I were straight.  She emails him and talks to him on the phone and tries to make him feel included.  She's been very sweet.  Other people in my family haven't been as pleasant all the time, but I figure they just need time to digest everything and let the dust from the cognitive dissonance settle.  I haven't actually seen any of my family since I started dating this guy, since they live about 2,000 miles away, out in Utah.  But, I'm sure that when we do go out there to visit, my family will treat him well.  I have no reason to believe anyone would not welcome him into their home. 

I really think, though, that for many people in my family (my mom especially), the fact that I no longer believe in the church or in any deity at all is more disturbing than the fact that I'm gay.  As I was transitioning out of the church, my mom repeatedly told me that she wanted me to stay in tune with the spirit and close to god.  At times I even feel like a monster for being so vocal about my new-found skepticism, but at the same time I don't think I'm personally attacking anyone and I also don't feel like it would be honest of me to pretend to still be religious.  Maybe there's a happy medium in there somewhere.

Welcome to HAF! Sorry to hear about your wife, happy to hear about your boyfriend and how accepting your mother is of it. When you mentioned that you had no issues with your marriage, do you think it's possible that you could simply be curious about the opposite gender, but still prefer guys? i know it's tough being in the situation of trying to find a happy medium with religion and homosexuality, (to make a long story short, gender-queer pansexual Christian) but I'm gald you finally found a way out.

[keithpenrod]

Yeah, I did the whole married thing too.  That's a really long story for me, although it lasted half as long.  I married in 2006.  I even believed myself to be truly happy in the marriage.  I had nothing to complain about.  Other gay people who have been in heterosexual relationships say that they hated the thought of intimacy with their spouse, or had other similar issues in the marriage, but I can't say that it was that bad for me.  After 3 years of marriage, she died of cancer.  This wasn't sudden or wholly unexpected--she had been fighting her Hodgkin's disease for 7 years at that point. 

So, the dynamic with her family has certainly added complications to me coming out and getting a boyfriend and everything.  The fact that all of my family and all of hers are all Mormon doesn't make it any easier.  But, my parents and my late wife's have all been very compassionate and loving.  My in-laws still treat me like their own son.  They're grateful for how I treated their daughter while she was my wife.  And they have been good.

My mom treats my boyfriend just as she would treat any girlfriend I might have, if I were straight.  She emails him and talks to him on the phone and tries to make him feel included.  She's been very sweet.  Other people in my family haven't been as pleasant all the time, but I figure they just need time to digest everything and let the dust from the cognitive dissonance settle.  I haven't actually seen any of my family since I started dating this guy, since they live about 2,000 miles away, out in Utah.  But, I'm sure that when we do go out there to visit, my family will treat him well.  I have no reason to believe anyone would not welcome him into their home. 

I really think, though, that for many people in my family (my mom especially), the fact that I no longer believe in the church or in any deity at all is more disturbing than the fact that I'm gay.  As I was transitioning out of the church, my mom repeatedly told me that she wanted me to stay in tune with the spirit and close to god.  At times I even feel like a monster for being so vocal about my new-found skepticism, but at the same time I don't think I'm personally attacking anyone and I also don't feel like it would be honest of me to pretend to still be religious.  Maybe there's a happy medium in there somewhere.

Welcome to HAF! Sorry to hear about your wife, happy to hear about your boyfriend and how accepting your mother is of it. When you mentioned that you had no issues with your marriage, do you think it's possible that you could simply be curious about the opposite gender, but still prefer guys? i know it's tough being in the situation of trying to find a happy medium with religion and homosexuality, (to make a long story short, gender-queer pansexual Christian) but I'm gald you finally found a way out.

To be honest, I think I just didn't know what I was missing.  Without being too graphic or personal, I'll just say that I find my boyfriend much more interesting than I ever found my wife.  It was like, as soon as I had my first gay kiss ever (several guys before my current bf), I knew there was a whole new world of amazingness waiting for me.  I mean, with my wife there were just certain things that I wouldn't have ever wanted to do, even if there wasn't any pressure from my church leading me to believe that it was sinful.  Kissing my wife was always meh, sex was ok (certainly not bad), but there wasn't what I would call "chemistry" there.  But, with my boyfriend, well, we have a lot of fun.    Hope that makes sense.

[not your typical...]

To be honest, I think I just didn't know what I was missing.  Without being too graphic or personal, I'll just say that I find my boyfriend much more interesting than I ever found my wife.  It was like, as soon as I had my first gay kiss ever (several guys before my current bf), I knew there was a whole new world of amazingness waiting for me.  I mean, with my wife there were just certain things that I wouldn't have ever wanted to do, even if there wasn't any pressure from my church leading me to believe that it was sinful.  Kissing my wife was always meh, sex was ok (certainly not bad), but there wasn't what I would call "chemistry" there.  But, with my boyfriend, well, we have a lot of fun.    Hope that makes sense.

yeah, I get what you mean. For me, my first gay kiss was an utter misunderstanding, but it lead me to question just how straight I really am. (Girl got the wrong idea after a band practice. Dedicated Demolition Lovers-My Chemical Romance to her because I thought she was still with her boyfriend... Man was I wrong.) had never really thought of myself as being even the slightest bit attracted to girls before then, just thought I was really open-minded since I'm like the only one in my family who isn't anti-gay. Once that happened, the window of opportunities opened for everyone. Preference is guys, just due to how much easier it is for me to relate to them, but I'll give anyone a shot so long as the personality doesn't clash too much with mine.

[Tank]

Hi Keith

Great to see things are working out for you!

Welcome to HAF.

Regards
Chris

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[OldGit]

Welcome, kpr!  You'll find understanding here.

[Asmodean]

Unlike homosexuality, there actually is something wrong with Mormonism. Religion in general is a thing best left behind - or never touched at all, if possible.

Welcome to HAF! Enjoy the freedom and an occasional pony steak. 

[Too Few Lions]

welcome to the forum Keith. I learned most of what I know about Mormon history from South Park, I hope they got it reasonably accurate. If you haven't seen it already you might enjoy the episode on Mormons,

http://www.mojvideo.com/video-south-park-all-about-mormons/3dbc3ec28f4ad658c80d

[Whitney]

Welcome to HAF Keith,

Sounds like everything is working out for you and I'm glad that your family is being so supportive.  As weird as Mormon beliefs may be, I have noticed that the Mormon church seems to have a strong culture of being accepting of those who have differing views....or at least that's my experience with the very small handful of Mormons I have actually known.

You should be on an It Gets Better commercial.